HAIR

"I've had enough, this is my prayer
That I'll die living just as free as my hair".

I'm completely obsessed with music. Sometimes, I surprise myself with how much time I dedicate to music - according to Spotify, I spent about 110,000 minutes listening to music last year.

When I was a teenager, music was my survival mechanism. It was my escape and means of coping when I needed to get away from the reality of my existence that refused to accept me for who I was in the world. Now that I’m on the verge of my 30s as a flaming gay who’s studying fine art, music empowers me to move forward; the relationship between music and visual art is the fuel to my creativity.

On the journey from my unusual childhood to the life of a gaysian artist, there have been several stand out songs for me along the way, and one particular song still comes back to me every year in June: “Hair” by Lady Gaga.
When I first heard that song 11years ago, I had to go outside the classroom during lunchtime to catch my breath because I couldn't stop tearing up. My heart was tickled by the piano chords opening the song. It touched me deep inside; those piano notes ignited a sense of hope that sprung from nowhere that I simply couldn’t explain. And those lyrics… It’s such a rare thing for me to deeply connect with music that has specific lyrics, but this song’s lyrics resonated with me; those were the most sincere and relatable lyrics that I’ve ever heard.
Gaga speaks about her childhood as a “freak” which was how people used to describe her. Yet she didn’t give up on being herself back then. Instead, she used her hair as a metaphor to overcome the bullies and find a way to live her life authentically. The reason why I connected so strongly with her song was that I too lived among bullies during my teenage years. There were countless times that I'd pretend to be asleep at my desk because, once they'd realized that I was awake, then the bullying would restart with a vengeance. So, what was really going on for me when I sat at my desk supposedly sleeping, was that I was crying inwardly while listening to music and, ultimately, escaping my reality.

As a gay teen, I lived with a fear that paralyzed me for a decade because one time when I was walking to school, a group of male students grabbed me, dragged me over to a corner, bullying me and accusing me of being too effeminate. Then there was the loneliness that I experienced at school because I had no friends. The insecurity I always felt in gym classes. No matter what happened to me, her song was there to tell me that I’m not a “freak”. I found a safe place in her song. That safe place gave me the space to reimagine a future, which is where I'm at now. It gave me the courage to believe that one day I'd have the freedom to express my identity in a way that currently was unacceptable to those around me. In that moment, I knew that there was a bigger world out there that would accept me for who I am.

The song "Hair” by Lady Gaga helped me get through each day and gave me hope for the future. That’s why this song always comes back to me every year in June, the pride month, to remind me how far I've come on my journey… despite all the odds that were stacked against me.

JUNE 7, 2022